


oh my heart, how can I face you now?

by goldengrahams



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: BDSM as therapy, Caleb is a good dom when he needs to be, Caning, Collars, Deal with your guilt by letting your husband spank you, Domestic, Essek Thelyss repents through BDSM the fic, Established Relationship, Flogging, Grinding, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Overstimulation, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn with Feelings, Restraints, Safe Sane and Consensual, Shibari, Spanking, Strap-Ons, Trans Caleb Widogast, Trans Essek Thelyss, Trans Male Character, Vaginal Sex, Whipping, about canon compliant to ep 99, spoilers for ep 97
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-14
Updated: 2020-03-14
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:13:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23145235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldengrahams/pseuds/goldengrahams
Summary: “What do you want tonight?” Caleb asks, soft and lovely and always far too good for him. He can’t lie to him, never has been able to. He once was the spymaster of an entire nation, but he crumbles beneath Caleb Widogast’s blue, blue gaze.“I want to be punished,” he says honestly, his mouth dry. “I want you to hurt… I want to repent.” He sees the pain there, the understanding, because Caleb has nights of his own like this. He always expects to see disgust or anger or maybe even pity but he never does, and he’s forever grateful.(BDSM as therapy-- Essek Thelyss feels guilty and sometimes it takes Caleb to make him feel better)
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 10
Kudos: 136





	oh my heart, how can I face you now?

**Author's Note:**

> As with all my fics, Caleb and Essek are both trans men in this fic. I am a trans man myself. I use more masculine-coded words when talking about Caleb's junk but I tend to use more feminine-coded language for Essek.
> 
> I decided to finish this up in-between chapters of taste every fire bc we need some nice consensual porn between these two.
> 
> Title from "I Have Made Mistakes" by The Oh Hellos.

It’s one of those nights again-- where the old guilt sinks into his bones and threatens to drown him. He doesn’t know how he dealt with it before, in that in-between limbo when the Mighty Nein were his friends but had yet to know of his misdeeds. He supposes that he didn’t really deal with it at all, just let it fester and ache without a balm to soothe its slow and painful healing. Now, though, he has them, and more importantly, he has Caleb. Caleb, his husband, who he loves so deeply that it aches in a very different way, a cosmic burn in his soul that threatens to rend his mortal body and knit it back together a little more whole. On nights like these, he finds Caleb and lets himself be put back together.

Tonight, Caleb is reading in an armchair in the library when Essek finds him, his legs curled beneath him and Frumpkin settled atop the back of the chair, paws hanging limp and tail twitching on occasion. Essek almost doesn’t want to disturb them-- he feels himself pull away as he watches them, but Caleb knows his presence and looks up before he can sulk away.

“Essek,” he calls, closing the book with his index finger between the pages, “what is wrong, _Schatz_?” Essek swallows and doesn’t respond. Caleb must see something in his expression, something unnamable that comes out on these nights, and he closes the book completely. Essek knows he’ll remember the page without a bookmark-- his memory is too good to forget it. Caleb coaxes him forward with a crook of his index finger and Essek feels pulled, almost as if by a spell, into his husband’s open arms. “What do you want tonight?” Caleb asks, soft and lovely and always far too good for him. He can’t lie to him, never has been able to. He once was the spymaster of an entire nation, but he crumbles beneath Caleb Widogast’s blue, blue gaze.

“I want to be punished,” he says honestly, his mouth dry. “I want you to hurt… I want to repent.” He sees the pain there, the understanding, because Caleb has nights of his own like this. He always expects to see disgust or anger or maybe even pity but he never does, and he’s forever grateful. 

“Alright,” Caleb says, kissing his temple, “but remember ground rules are still in place.”

“Of course.” He looks up at Caleb then, into the lovely human face he so adores, and feels his heart clench. He could worship this man. There is devotion in his heart that he could pledge to him, a devotion he could never give to his nation’s queen, nor their god, but would give with reckless abandon to this beautiful, brilliant man. Caleb must see something in his expression shift because he leans forward and kisses Essek on the mouth, silencing his thoughts in the kindest way he knows how.

“Go upstairs,” Caleb says with a final and decisive kiss, “and get whatever you want tonight ready for me, please.” This is the routine, he knows that while he does this Caleb will be preparing waterskins and food for their bedside for afterward, when this terrible headspace of his has passed. He obediently sets towards their bedroom on the second floor, already feeling himself calm a little just in the fact that Caleb has agreed. 

Once in the room, he removes his clothes and folds them before looking through the closet, removing the harness and a simple cock. He considers his options for a while before selecting a wide paddle, a cane, a red collar and leash set, and a coil of red silk rope that Caleb once said looked stunning on his skin. He lays each out with care and then settles on the bed, left alone to his thoughts. Thankfully he isn’t alone long, as Caleb enters with two waterskins and some bread. He sets them on the bedside table and turns to Essek.

“Do you want me to be impersonal?” Caleb asks, “or do you want me to be loving?” Essek shivers. Sometimes impersonal is what he needs, but tonight he is needy and broken and he needs to know that he is loved, even if he doesn’t deserve it.

“Loving,” he says, his voice cracking on the end syllable, and he sees Caleb relax a little, the oncoming rigid and stern persona abandoned without a moment’s pause.

“Of course, _Liebling_.” He murmurs, “I have some ideas, then.” Caleb knows better than to tell Essek what he plans to do-- Caleb likes being told the plans of the night, having it outlined clearly makes him more comfortable, with the added bonus that he gets to hear Essek describing the things he plans to do in wild and filthy detail-- but Essek prefers to be kept in the dark just a bit. He knows that if Caleb does anything he doesn’t like, it will only take a word from him to stop. 

Caleb sets to undressing himself efficiently, folding his clothes like Essek had done while Essek watches in quiet awe. He still can’t handle sometimes how stunning Caleb is, lean and scarred, with ginger hair peppered across his body. He’s _handsome_ in a way that Essek had never felt was applicable to anyone else. When Essek first met him he was simply caught by how unique the other wizard was, but now he is able to acknowledge that that uniqueness is simply beauty. Essek sits back against the pillows while Caleb examines the implements he’s chosen. He raises his eyebrow as he lifts the collar and Essek moves forward without being asked, stretching his neck to allow it to be buckled. Caleb does so a little clumsily, adjusting the collar so it doesn’t choke him and instead settles comfortably against neck, a constant pressure and weight.

“Good?” Caleb asks, his eyes bright with love and something else Essek can’t place but fills him with excitement nonetheless. 

“Perfect,” Essek says, leaning forward to kiss him. It’s gentle and languid for a moment, without heat or intent, but then Caleb hooks his index finger into the metal ring at the front of the collar to pull him closer and Essek feels arousal shoot through him like a bolt of electricity. “Caleb,” he mumbles, squirming a little, “please.” Caleb pulls back from the kiss and frees his finger from the ring, pulling Essek up onto his thigh. 

“Get yourself off like this,” Caleb says, “and then we’ll continue.” It’s not a command but it’s close enough to one that Essek feels helpless to do anything but obey. He grinds down against Caleb’s thigh desperately, burying his face into Caleb’s shoulder. Caleb whispers in his ear while he does, words in Zemnian that he doesn’t understand yet, but he assumes from context are praise. Caleb strokes his hair and he groans, angling his hips as best he can to get friction against his clit with every thrust. The coarse hair on Caleb’s thigh helps the process along and-- gods, it’s filthy. He wants to ask Caleb if he is worth even this, depraved and primal as it is, but the thought leaves his head as he approaches his climax. It crests slowly and when it does finally come, it’s forceful and punishing, drawing all the air out of his lungs. He sobs and sags against Caleb’s shoulder and Caleb kisses his neck and ear, the praise shifting from Zemnian to Common.

“You look so lovely, you did such a good job, _Mondlicht_. Do you want to come again?” He nods, allowing himself a moment to breathe before he slides off Caleb’s leg, laying back. Caleb grabs a rag from the side table and wipes Essek’s cum off his thigh and Essek moans lowly, watching him. Caleb’s smile is only a little smug. He grabs the rope and approaches. “Arms behind or in front?” He asks. 

“Behind,” Essek says immediately, still breathless with his first orgasm. Caleb nods and motions Essek to turn around. The knots probably aren’t anything particularly beautiful, but they’ll serve their purpose well, not too tight but enough that Essek cannot break out of them himself. When he’s finished tying, Caleb taps his lower back twice.

“Hips in the air,” he says, and Essek complies, pressing his face into the pillows and propping himself up on his knees, his tied hands settled at his lower back. Caleb makes a noise of quiet approval and strokes the curve of his ass. “You’re beautiful,” he says softly, and Essek hears shifting behind him, presumably as he grabs from the items Essek chose. He hears the sound of the harness being buckled on and shivers in anticipation.

Caleb trails the edge of the paddle against his hip, not exactly a tease but more an acknowledgment that they’ve moved on to this.

“Do you still want this?” He asks, tapping the paddle against Essek’s right cheek in a softer likeness of what he plans to do with it later. Essek nods on instinct before realizing Caleb probably can’t see him do so.

“Yes,” he chokes out, desperately turned on at the very thought of Caleb, beautiful Caleb, wielding the tools of his punishment in this broken scenario. “ _Please_.” Caleb seems satisfied with this response and there’s a moment of pause, a breath of cool air when Caleb pulls the paddle back, and then the first strike hits.

It isn’t a particularly hard blow, more akin to a swat, but it makes heat bloom on the skin Caleb struck, like a low ember burning beneath his skin. He moans softly as a strike of similar severity comes from the other side. This continues for a period, the intensity of Caleb’s strikes to his ass and thighs unfaltering, a continuous litany of _left, right, left._ Essek sobs quietly into the pillow.

“Is this a punishment?” Caleb asks, even though they both know the answer. The blows stop for a moment, the cool air a balm that makes the inflamed, raw heat of his skin that more obvious. “Answer me, Essek.”

“Yes,” Essek whispers, tears spilling over and soaking the pillow beneath him. One strike, softer than the others. He hears shifting behind him.

“What are you being punished for?”

“My actions hurt so many. _Killed_ so many.” Another, this one much harder, so much so that it makes Essek gasp and pitch forward a little into the pillows. He realizes belatedly that Caleb has shifted to using the cane. The pain is bright and sharp on his already aching backside and he groans loudly.

“Your actions alone?”

“N-no, I suppose not, but--” Another hard strike on the other side this time. 

“There is no _but_ , Essek.” Caleb’s voice is impossibly soft as he delivers two strikes in rapid succession. “You are only one person. You have repented for your crimes by spreading good in this world. I love you and I hate to see you like this.” A few more hits come and Essek wails, the pillow beneath him damp with tears and sweat.

“I don’t deserve your love,” he sobs, “I don’t understand why you would give it to me.” He hears the sound of something, presumably the cane, being set down and then feels Caleb’s cool hands on the sides of his jaw, and broad thumbs swiping at the tear tracks down his cheeks.

“Then,” Caleb says firmly, almost indignant, “it is a good thing you do not get to decide that.” Caleb gently pets his hair for a moment while the tears subside and the throb of his backside becomes more prominent. Caleb removes a vial from the bedside table and gently rubs its contents onto Essek’s thighs and ass. The effect is cooling, soothing the stinging pain and reducing it to a low, arousing hum. “Better?” Caleb asks after a moment. They both know he doesn’t mean the physical pain. Essek’s ears twitch and he nods, aching inside and out. “Good. Are you alright staying in this position for a while?” Essek considers and nods again. “Good.” Caleb moves back to his position behind him and Essek wants to ask what he plans to do next before he feels Caleb’s cool fingers swipe through the wetness at his thighs and then a warm tongue probing at his folds. He whines, long and loud. He hadn’t realized how soaking wet he was until this moment but Caleb is thorough, licking at him until he comes again, shaking and moaning hoarsely. Despite the fact that Caleb must know he’s come, there is no pause as Caleb continues lapping at him.

“Ca-Caleb,” he gasps out weakly, “I’m overstimulated, _please_ …” Caleb pauses a moment.

“I know,” he says, his voice a little rough. “Tell me if you want me to stop.” He doesn’t respond and there is a hum of approval before Caleb’s lovely mouth is lapping at him again like it’s all he knows how to do. His tongue and fingers fuck Essek through four more orgasms before he’s crying at Caleb to stop. His shoulders strain in the confines of the rope and his clit is wet and throbbing as Caleb pulls away.  
“Caleb,” he whimpers breathily, “can you untie me?” In an instant, there are gentle hands tugging the ropes apart and then soothing the places where the rope dug in, making gentle circles with his thumbs. 

“You did so well,” Caleb whispers, kissing along his shoulder as he continues rubbing circulation back into his wrists and forearms. He helps Essek sit up a little more and continues kissing him, moving along his neck and eventually kissing up to his ear. Somehow, Essek is still horny now that the guilt has quieted, and he squirms in Caleb’s arms.

“ _Caleb_ ,” he grits out, “fuck me.” Caleb laughs softly.

“You’ve come six times already, _ja_?”

“Yes, but you haven’t fucked me yet. You didn’t put the harness on for nothing.” He knows he’s being whiny and needy, but Caleb’s fingers hadn’t been enough. He’s still slick with arousal and saliva and he can feel himself clenching around nothing, thinking about the cock he’d chosen for Caleb to fuck him with. He grinds down against Caleb’s thigh again on instinct, horny and utterly desperate.

“Alright,” Caleb murmurs, gripping his hair tightly in one hand. He reaches across the bed and grabs Essek’s leash, clipping it into the ring on the collar. Essek keens, dragging his clit against Caleb’s thigh with jerking hips. “Get yourself off again and then I’ll fuck you properly, alright _Liebling_?” Essek nods desperately and Caleb gently tugs at the leash, keeping him tightly reigned. “Good boy,” Caleb coos, pulling him down for an open-mouthed kiss. Essek hisses and rubs himself off against Caleb’s thigh once more. This time it nearly feels a little like rug burn, his clit aching and hard as it is.

“ _Caleb_ ,” he sobs, tugging a little against the leash, trying to get a better angle. Caleb tugs it back sharply and he gasps and moans. This orgasm, his seventh of the night, crests even more slowly than the previous six. When it does finally come it’s barely satisfying and leaves him slumped boneless in Caleb’s arms. Caleb grins and kisses his collarbones and chest, laying him down gently. 

“Still have another in you?” he asks softly, kissing Essek’s breast with something akin to reverence. Essek moans breathily.

“Of course,” he says, the need for Caleb to fuck him outweighing the fact that he can already feel himself drifting towards a trance. “Always have another in me for your cock.” Caleb laughs again, a sweet sound, as he kisses Essek’s throat.

“You’re slurring your words, but if you’re sure. Who am I to deny you?”

“You never were good at denying me what I want.” Caleb is preparing the cock now and only gives him a half-smile and a chuckle in response. Caleb’s hands are back on Essek quickly, after the cock has been properly positioned and slicked. They settle on his wrists, pinning them above his head.

“Good?” Caleb asks softly. Essek nods and squirms, flexing his wrists to ensure the hold is tight.

“Perfect,” he murmurs, “now fuck me.”

“Why is it that leaving your guilty headspace always makes you aroused?”

“Because you treat me so well,” Essek admits quietly, “you never judge me or treat me any harsher than I deserve. You give me what I ask for and you do it so well.”

“You do the same for me,” Caleb reminds him as he begins to slip the cock into Essek’s cunt. Essek clenches around it and whines loudly.

“I do,” he whimpers, “we both need it.” Caleb chuckles and kisses him as he reaches the base of the cock.

“That we do,” he says against Essek’s mouth. Essek smiles and kisses him back. The angle is a little awkward, but Caleb manages to find a good rhythm, fucking into and out of him in slow, steady rolls of his hips.

Essek comes again quickly after that, this one a little more satisfying, but it still feels like his entire body has been put through hell. He feels Caleb above him removing the harness and fingering himself to completion and waves a quick prestidigitation once they’ve both finished. 

“Thank you,” Caleb says with a soft smile, leaning down to kiss him. “I will put everything away and be back in a moment.”

“Do not take long,” Essek gripes, clumsily stroking his hair. Caleb laughs.

“I will do my best, _Mondlicht_.” After some shuffling around, he’s back about a minute later and collapses next to Essek with another idle kiss. There’s a waterskin being pressed to Essek’s lips and he drinks deeply. He accepts a few small chunks of bread as well before shaking his head. Caleb drinks and eats a little himself and then curls up against Essek’s side, his body warm and soft against Essek’s. “How was tonight?” Caleb asks, stroking a hand down Essek’s tummy. It’s a little ticklish but it feels nice so Essek ignores it and fits his body more closely against Caleb’s 

“Perfect, exactly what I needed. You are always so good to me.” Caleb smiles gently, kissing his shoulder.

“Just as you are good to me,” he says. “We work well together.”

“That we do.”

**Author's Note:**

> Zemnian Translations:  
> Schatz - treasure  
> Liebling - darling/favorite  
> Mondlicht - Moonlight


End file.
